HEY HELP ME, I CAN’T FORGIVE

HEY HELP ME, I CAN’T FORGIVE

Many people struggle with forgiveness.  Often, they are unable to forgive or they forgive too quickly without fully processing your emotions or resolving the situation.

When hurt, something has happened – loss of trust or loss of our self-image

The struggle with forgiveness is premised on the following

  1. An invitation to take an in-depth look into why we hurt so badly
  2. Most times we want vengeance – retaliation
  3. We feel cheated.

You cannot deal with offence or your struggle with forgiveness without acknowledging where you are.

  1. The reality of life

Acknowledge it, investigate it, question it – let it reveal you to you

Pain is an announcement that something is out of order

Pain is an invitation to discover

Pain is an invitation to evolve

Pain is a revealer – might reveal positive or negative.

As you investigate your pain, you meet the real you – a person who is willing to go through the path of forgiveness or a vengeful person

A) Pain revealed Jesus on the cross – my father, why has thou forsaken me

Father, forgive them for they know what they do

He knew what was ahead of him – his prayers in the garden of gethsemane were like drop of blood, yet He wanted God’s will to be done.

B) James – Response to rejection Luke 9:51-54

Call fire from heaven to consume them

  • The journey of healing begins with acknowledgment

     – Look at the message the pain brings to you: rejection, abandon, you are not wanted, identity, significance, value

  • Rewrite the message

      – Override the hard drive – the message about who you are.  Stay true to your deepest value:

  1. Accept responsibility for what the message reveals about you, accept responsibility for your response. It is accepting the consequences for what we say and do. It also means developing our potential. People who are responsible don’t make excuses for their actions or blame others when things go wrong.  To be responsible means to have control and authority over something or someone and the duty of taking care of it, him, or her: You are not in control of how people behave towards you but you are responsible for your own response

      Adam played the blame game with Eve when he was confronted with his act of disobedience in the garden.

       David accepted responsibility when confronted by Prophet Nathan.

       2 Samuel 12:13 – Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.”

       Psalm 51: 3-4 – For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.  Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.

 We cannot control what the world throws at us, how we choose to respond is what we have control over. Emotional intelligence. You might not be in control of what life throws at you, but you can determine who you will circumstances.

       Our reaction reveals the real us.

  • Examine your value system. Your response to live challenges reveals your value system, your beliefs about life, love, relationships, spirituality, managing expectations.

       We live out of our beliefs and values

       Do you believe God loves you?

       Do you believe He cares about you?

       That He is mindful of you?

       That He has your best interest at heart, that He is not against you.

       Do you question his love because of bad things you have experienced?

       If you believe Him, then follow his pattern of dealing with trauma. Vengeance

 is mine, I will repay

       Romans 12:17-21 – Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do                         what is honourable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

  • Check your association. Reassess your relationships. He that walks with the wise will be wise but a companion of fools will be destroyed.

      Who are the people that speaks into your life? What kind of advice do they offer you? Where is it leading you to? Is it promoting peace, rest or otherwise?

      Are you caught in the web of seeking emotional solidarity – building up relationships around your pain or trauma? Can your friends speak truth to you?

      Are you sure they really care about you?

  • Lack of self-love

      When you hold unto unforgiveness, you expose yourself to other types of pain and     trauma that might compromise your health.  Negative emotions affect our health.

     Why compromise your health for something you have a way of escape from?

Failing to forgive, or unforgiveness, is the practice of engaging in ruminative thoughts of anger, vengeance, hate, and resentment that have unproductive outcomes for the ruminator, such as increased anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure, vascular resistance, decreased immune response

Forgiving is highly recommended, as there are various researches that have been carried out which shows that unforgiveness causes health issues including:

Cancer – 61% of cancer patients have forgiveness issues

Suppressed anger – people often get angry for any reason have issues associated with forgiveness

Low self-esteem – lack of self-love stem from not forgiving yourself or self-acceptance

Bitterness – increases the risk of depression

Constant worrying increases of the risk sleep deprivation and anxiety

  • Accept the mark life placed on you and triumph in it – a widow/widower, an orphan, disability, career setback, divorced, business loss, ministerial difficulty, loss of a child, barrenness.

      Regardless of what happens to you

      A) It doesn’t define your identity

      B) It doesn’t change who you are

      C) It doesn’t alter God’s plan for you

      The challenge of life is not an excuse to live below what you are capable of

      There is no need to be ashamed or feel despondent on the mark life’s challenges has placed on.  Jesus had a questionable pedigree and the bible did not hide it. He had an embarrassing background according to man’s standard.

      – Rahab: a Jericho harlot

      – Tamar who slept with her father-in-law and gave birth to twins – Perez

      – David: A psalmist, an adulterer and a murderer

      – Jesus himself was given birth to in a manger

Isaiah 53:1-5

1.Who has believed our message?
    To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
2 My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot,
    like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
    nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care.

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows[a] that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
    a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.

When hurt, something has happened – loss of trust or loss of our self-image

The struggle with forgiveness is premised on the following

  1. An invitation to take an in-depth look into why we hurt so badly
  2. Most times we want vengeance – retaliation
  3. We feel cheated.

You cannot deal with offence or your struggle with forgiveness without acknowledging where you are.

  1. The reality of life

Acknowledge it, investigate it, question it – let it reveal you to you

Pain is an announcement that something is out of order

Pain is an invitation to discover

Pain is an invitation to evolve

Pain is a revealer – might reveal positive or negative.

As you investigate your pain, you meet the real you – a person who is willing to go through the path of forgiveness or a vengeful person

A) Pain revealed Jesus on the cross – my father, why has thou forsaken me

Father, forgive them for they know what they do

He knew what was ahead of him – his prayers in the garden of gethsemane were like drop of blood, yet He wanted God’s will to be done.

B) James – Response to rejection Luke 9:51-54

Call fire from heaven to consume them

  • The journey of healing begins with acknowledgment

     – Look at the message the pain brings to you: rejection, abandon, you are not wanted, identity, significance, value

  • Rewrite the message

      – Override the hard drive – the message about who you are.  Stay true to your deepest value:

  1. Accept responsibility for what the message reveals about you, accept responsibility for your response. It is accepting the consequences for what we say and do. It also means developing our potential. People who are responsible don’t make excuses for their actions or blame others when things go wrong.  To be responsible means to have control and authority over something or someone and the duty of taking care of it, him, or her: You are not in control of how people behave towards you but you are responsible for your own response

      Adam played the blame game with Eve when he was confronted with his act of       disobedience in the garden.

       David accepted responsibility when confronted by Prophet Nathan.

       2 Samuel 12:13 – Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.”

       Psalm 51: 3-4 – For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.  Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.

 We cannot control what the world throws at us, how we choose to respond is what we have control over. Emotional intelligence. You might not be in control of what life throws at you, but you can determine who you will be in the circumstances.

       Our reaction reveals the real us.

  • Examine your value system. Your response to live challenges reveals your value system, your beliefs about life, love, relationships, spirituality, managing expectations.

       We live out of our beliefs and values

       Do you believe God loves you?

       Do you believe He cares about you?

       That He is mindful of you?

       That He has your best interest at heart, that He is not against you.

       Do you question his love because of bad things you have experienced?

       If you believe Him, then follow his pattern of dealing with trauma. Vengeance

 is mine, I will repay

       Romans 12:17-21 – Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do                         what is honourable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

  • Check your association. Reassess your relationships. He that walks with the wise will be wise but a companion of fools will be destroyed.

      Who are the people that speaks into your life? What kind of advice do they offer you? Where is it leading you to? Is it promoting peace, rest or otherwise?

      Are you caught in the web of seeking emotional solidarity – building up relationships around your pain or trauma? Can your friends speak truth to you?

      Are you sure they really care about you?

  • Lack of self-love

      When you hold unto unforgiveness, you expose yourself to other types of pain and     trauma that might compromise your health.  Negative emotions affect our health.

     Why compromise your health for something you have a way of escape from?

Failing to forgive, or unforgiveness, is the practice of engaging in ruminative thoughts of anger, vengeance, hate, and resentment that have unproductive outcomes for the ruminator, such as increased anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure, vascular resistance, decreased immune response

Forgiving is highly recommended, as there are various researches that have been carried out which shows that unforgiveness causes health issues including:

Cancer – 61% of cancer patients have forgiveness issues

Suppressed anger – people often get angry for any reason have issues associated with forgiveness

Low self-esteem – lack of self-love stem from not forgiving yourself or self-acceptance

Bitterness – increases the risk of depression

Constant worrying increases of the risk sleep deprivation and anxiety

  • Accept the mark life placed on you and triumph in it – a widow/widower, an orphan, disability, career setback, divorced, business loss, ministerial difficulty, loss of a child, barrenness.

      Regardless of what happens to you

      A) It doesn’t define your identity

      B) It doesn’t change who you are

      C) It doesn’t alter God’s plan for you

      The challenge of life is not an excuse to live below what you are capable of

      There is no need to be ashamed or feel despondent on the mark life’s challenges has placed on.  Jesus had a questionable pedigree and the bible did not hide it. He had an embarrassing background according to man’s standard.

      – Rahab: a Jericho harlot

      – Tamar who slept with her father-in-law and gave birth to twins – Perez

      – David: A psalmist, an adulterer and a murderer

      – Jesus himself was given birth to in a manger

Isaiah 53:1-5

1.Who has believed our message?
    To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
2 My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot,
    like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
    nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care.

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows[a] that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
    a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.

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